Joke Collection
Last Updated April 7, 2018

Tip: Press CTRL-F To "Find" subject, word or phrase.

Back To Russ' Web Menu

One-Liners Blondes
Insults Questions
Religious Irish
Left Overs

One-Liners      Top of Page

  1. APHORISMS: A short witty sentence which expresses a general truth or comment.

    • "Diapers and politicians should be changed often..., and for the same reason" Mark Twain

    • I always wondered what the job application form is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

    • I canít understand why women are OK that JC Penney has an older womenís clothing line named, "Sag Harbor"

    • I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

    • I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

    • If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

    • Money canít buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.

    • Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

    • My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!

    • Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

    • The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

    • The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, & he was a drunk.

    • When wearing a bikini women reveal 90% of their bodies . Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

    • You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

    • You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

    • I never thought orthopedic shoes would really work for me. But I stand corrected.

    • Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king but he made a great ruler.

    • A Mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of 3. He says: "Uno, dos..." Poof. He disappeared without a tres.

    • I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs. It's a step by step guide.

    • My son was chewing on electric cords, so I had to ground him. It's OK, though. He's doing better and conducting himself properly.

    • My friend claims that he "accidently" glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him. However, that is his story and he's sticking to it.

    • An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted: "Nobody move."

    • Got drunk yesterday and threw up in the elevator on my way back home. It was disgusting on so many levels.

    • Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? For Hispanic attacks.

    • I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic. He said: "Sure. Knock yourself out!"

    • I got into a fight today with 1,3,5,7 and 9. The odds were really against me.

    • I read a book on water-boarding. It was called "Wetness for the Persecution."

    • In Britain it's called a lift but Americans call it an elevator. I guess we were just raised differently.

    • 97% of people are stupid. Glad I'm in the other 5%.

    • The Lord said to John, "Come forth and ye shall receive eternal life." But John came fifth and got a toaster instead.

    • Pharaohs daughter was good in finance. She went down to the banks of the Nile and withdrew a prophet.

    • Sweden is thinking about putting barcodes on all their Navy ships. That way they can "scan a Navy in".






















    Most dictionaries are quite dry, very pedantic, and lack any sense of fun or humor. But let's imagine if they told the truth about the words we use every day. What would they say? Wonder no more, because here is what it would probably look like:

    • Calories (n.) Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.

    • Synonym (n.) A word used in place of the one you can't spell.

    • Money can't buy happiness (phr.) A saying created by poor people to help curb their jealousy of the rich.

    • Feet (n.) A device used for finding Legos in the dark.

    • Irish Handcuffs (n.) When a person is carrying an alcoholic beverage in both hands at the same time.

    • Web MD (n.) Something that makes a mild cold into a deadly disease that will kill you within 24 hours.

    • Balanced diet (n.) One cheeseburger in each hand.

    • That's nice (phr.) What you say when you're talking on the phone and you zone out in the middle of the other persons' story.

    • Laziness (n.) Risking to drop everything you carry rather than walking twice.

    • Brain (n.) Something we all have but most do not use.

    • English (n.) A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages and rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary.

    • Best friends (n.) The people you can get mad at only for a short period of time because you have important stuff to tell them.

    • Cell phone (n.) A device used for looking less alone while in public places by yourself.

    • Golf (n.) An excuse for old fat men to say they still play a sport.

    • Relationship (n.) The ability to put up with someone else's bull****, usually of the opposite sex, for a very long period of time.

    • Pets (n.) The only members of your family you really like.

    • Orgasm (n.) The meaning of life.

    • Poor (adj.) When you have too much month at the end of your money.

    • Tomorrow (n.) The best time to do everything you had planned for today.

    • Vegetarian (n.) A bad hunter. Someone who survives by consuming not food, but the stuff that food eats.

    • Single (n.) A man who makes jokes about women in the kitchen.

    • Clapping (verb) Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else's accomplishments.


    • The meaning of opaque has always been unclear to me.

    • I wasnít going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

    • Have you ever tried to eat a clock? Itís very time consuming.

    • A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

    • Iím reading a book about anti-gravity. I canít put it down.

    • If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.

    • Itís a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters, but I can Samurais it for you.

    • Itís not that the man couldnít juggle, he just didnít have the balls to do it.

    • So what if I donít know the meaning of the word Ďapocalypseí? Itís not the end of the world.

    • Police were called to the daycare center at nap time. A 3 year old was resisting a rest.


    • A city without trees is not fit for a dog.

    • Black "O"Lives Matter - I knew Italians wouldn't stay quiet much longer.

    • Did You Know? Rub a bit of olive oil and Epsom salt on the painful spots on your body and it will immediately feel greasier and saltier.

    • Do you ever get up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror and think... "That can't be accurate."

    • Don't let them take the temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket. It's a government plot to erase your memory. I went for a bottle of milk and a loaf of bread and came home with a case of beer and 12 bottles of wine.

    • Early to bed and early to rise, 'til I make enough to do otherwise.

    • Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

    • Forgetful Folks Support Group
      Ken: My name's Ken, and I'm forgetful.
      Group: Hi Larry

    • Getting older is just one body part after another saying, "Ha-Ha, you think that's bad? Watch this."

    • Her only domestic quality was that she lived in a house.

    • How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

    • I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

    • I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.

    • I can't believe how old people my age are.

    • I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

    • I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

    • I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

    • I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

    • I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

    • I may look like I'm having deep thoughts, but 99% of the time I'm thinking about what I'm going to eat later.

    • I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

    • I'd know what to think if I knew who to believe.

    • Idaho--It's not the end of the earth, but you can see it from here.

    • If I can't take it with me, I'm not going.

    • If "pro" is the opposite of "con" what's the opposite of "progress"?

    • If the theory of evolution is correct, why do mothers still have only two arms?

    • If you weigh 200 pounds on Earth, you'll be only 76 pounds on Mars.
      You're not overweight, you're just not on the right planet.

    • I'm always disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually catch on fire.

    • I'm in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy.

    • I'm not living in the past--I'm just paying for it.

    • I've been on a diet for two weeks, and all I've lost is 14 days.

    • I really don't mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

    • I think senility is going to be a fairly smooth transition for me.

    • I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, "Hey, look, that one is shaped like an idiot!"

    • Life doesn't begin at 40 for those who went like 60 at 20.

    • Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

    • My family eats from the 3 basic food groups: canned, frozen and take-out.

    • My Super Power is holding onto junk for years, and throwing it away a week before I need it.

    • No man goes before his time. Unless the boss leaves early.

    • Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

    • Oscar Wilde: "Work is a refuge for those who have nothing better to do."

    • Question: "How much is the rent for this gorgeous apartment?" Response: "Sir, this is a liquor store."

    • Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was so cute and funny? Anyway, I need bail money.

    • Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

    • Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

    • So many people these days are too judgemental. I can tell just by looking at them.

    • Teach your kids the value of money--borrow from them.

    • Thank God we don't get all the government we pay for.

    • Things to do today: (1) Get up, (2) Survive, (3) Go to bed.

    • Think you are old, and you will be old. Think you are young, and you will be delusional.

    • Unfortunately, there is no lifeguard in the gene pool.

    • We were all put on this earth with a certain number of things to get done. At the rate I'm going, I'll never die.

    • Why are aspirins white? Answer: You want them to work, don't you?

    • Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

    • Vote "Yes" on "No."

    • When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead.
      It is difficult only for the others.
      It is the same way when you are stupid.

    • Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

    • Work harder. Millions on welfare depend on you.


    • NEWS FLASH: A dwarf was pick-pocketed yesterday. How could anyone stoop so low?

    • NEWS FLASH: 1000 mattresses stolen. Police are springing into action.

    • NEWS FLASH: Last night someone drilled a hole in a fence surrounding a nudist colony.
      Police are looking into it.

    • NEWS FLASH: 1000 wigs were stolen in Miami! Police are combing the area.

    • NEWS FLASH: The first all-white dalmation has been spotted.

    • NEWS FLASH: Two prisoners escaped. One is 6'8" and the other is 4'2". Police are looking high and low.

  7. PARAPROSDOKIANS are figures of speech
    in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase
    is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.
    Sir Winston Churchill loved them!

    • Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

    • The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

    • Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    • If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

    • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

    • War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

    • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

    • I didn't say it was your fault, just that I was blaming you.

    • In filling out an application where it says "In case of an emergency, notify," I answered "a doctor."

    • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

    • You do not need a parachute to skydive; only a parachute to skydive twice.

    • I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

    • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

    • Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    • You're never too old to learn something stupid.

    • I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find someone older than me.

    • Spread the Laughter, Share the Cheer, Let's be Happy, while we're here! And remember, itís important to be humble and if you canít laugh at yourself.
      Call me and Iíll come over and laugh at you.

  8. PUNS:

    • A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

    • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

    • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    • Acupuncture is a jab well done.

    • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    • A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine.

    • A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

    • A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

    • A will is a dead giveaway.

    • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

    • Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

    • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

    • Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    • Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

    • Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

    • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

    • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    • Every calendar's days are numbered.

    • Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    • He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

    • I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

    • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    • If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

    • I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

    • I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

    • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

    • In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

    • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

    • No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    • Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

    • Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

    • She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

    • Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.

    • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

    • This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

    • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    • When chemists die, they barium.

    • When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

    • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

    • When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

    • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

    • With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

    • You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

One-Liners Blondes
Insults Questions
Religious Irish
Left Overs

Blondes & Misfits      Top of Page


    • If a blonde and a brunette jump out of a building, who lands first? The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.

    • Two girls were strolling down the street when the redhead exclaimed, "Oh, how sad--a dead bird.?" The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"

    • Why are the Japanese so smart? No blondes.

    • How do you put sparkle in a blonde"s eyes? Shine a flashlight in her ear.

    • What does a blonde say after you blow in her ear? "Thanks for the refill."

    • What's a blonde's mating call? "I'm sooooo drunk."

    • What's another blonde mating call? "Next."

    • What do you call a blonde who's dyed her hair brown? Artificial intelligence.

    • What have you got when you line up ten blondes ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

    • How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant.

    • Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink? That's where you clean vegetables, isn't it?

    • Why don't blondes eat pickles? Because their heads get stuck in the jar.

    • Why don't blondes make Kool-Aid? They can't fit eight cups of water into that little packet.

    • How do you give a blonde a brain transplant? Blow in her ear.

    • Why don't blondes get coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.

    • Did you hear about the two blondes who went for a walk and got into an argument? One insisted the tracks underfoot were deer tracks. "No way," insisted the other blonde. "These are definitely moose tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.

    • What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"

    • Why did the blonde climb over the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.

    • What's the difference between an intelligent blonde and Bigfoot? Bigfoot's been sighted.

    • Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? Because she read that one of every four children born in the world is Chinese.

    • How can you tell which computer terminal belongs to the blonde? It's got White-Out all over the screen.

    • Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes? It's called MAIDS--if they don't get one, they die.

    • Know why blondes never dial 911 in an emergency? Because they can't find eleven on their telephones.

    • A blonde married a Native American, and when their child was born, what do you think they named him? Running Dumb.

    • What's the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde? You get to park in the Handicapped Zone.

    • Two ears
      A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
      The doctor asked her what happened to her ears?
      I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang . . .
      but instead of picking up the phone,
      I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.
      Oh Dear! the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
      But . . . what happened to your other ear?
      The son-of-a-bitch called back!

    • During a recent company password audit, it was found that a blond secretary was using the following password:
      When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that her password had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

    • A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next-door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this" and goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?" The blonde says, "I put the dog in OUR backyard -- let's see how THEY like it!

    • Two Blondes With Hammers... Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end so I throw them away.' Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

    • Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

    • A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants ... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened ... I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

    • A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

    • A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing ... I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond replied, 'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

    • A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.' The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.' 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'


    • You think a family reunion is the best place to find a date.

    • If your Dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.

    • If you smoke during your own wedding.

    • If your front porch collapses and more than three dogs are killed.

    • If you've ever had to carry a bucket of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

    • If your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.

    • If someone asks to see your I.D., and you show them your belt buckle.

    • If you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

    • If your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

    • If your family tree does not fork.

    • If you help your brother move his refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

    • If your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.

    • If you've lost more than one tooth opening a beer bottle.

    • If you think a bug-zapper and a 12-pack are quality entertainment.

    • If you prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.

    • If you've ever been too drunk to fish.

    • If you have to recrank your car at every intersection.

    • If your father fully executes the "Pull My Finger" trick at Christmas Dinner.

    • If you've ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.

One-Liners Blondes
Insults Questions
Religious Irish
Left Overs

Insults      Top of Page


    • Your breath is so bad that I don't know whether to give you breath mints or a roll of toilet paper.


    • Your parents used to make you lie naked on the kitchen floor to scare away the bugs.

    • If you were arrested for nudity in public, they would have to dismiss the charges because of lack of evidence.

    • Your parents used to have to tie a pork chop around your neck to get the puppy to play with you.

    • Your looks could make a train take a dirt road.

    • I heard you stuck your face out the window while driving and an officer gave you a ticket for mooning.

    • You're so ugly, your mom presses your face in the cookie dough to make gorilla cookies.

    • You are so ugly that when you were born and the doctor saw your face and butt, he exclaimed "Twins!"

    • You are so ugly that your parents still can't tell you apart from the dog; but that is still giving you too much credit for how you look.

    • You are so ugly that your face could make a train take a dirt road.

    • You are so ugly that your picture is found in the Dictionary under the letter "E" for Extremely Ugly.

    • You were such an ugly baby that your parents had to tie a pork-chop around your neck to get the puppy to play with you.

    • You were such an ugly child that your parents used to make you lie naked on the kitchen floor to scare away the bugs.

    • You are so ugly that your parents must have lost a bet with God.


    • You are so fat that you have to take a bath at Raging Waters.

    • I saw you standing in the pig pen at the County Fair singing "We are family."

    • You are so fat that when you step on a scale, it says, "To be continued..."

    • You are so fat that when you step on a scale, it says, "Please, one person at a time."

    • You are so fat that if you rolled over onto a dollar bill, you would get four quarters in change.

    • You are so fat that you could use a hula-hool to hold up your stockings.

    • You are so fat that the only designer jeans you can wear are made by "Lardasche."

    • You are so fat that you have to get your fashions from Aladdin's tent service.

    • You really aren't fat.....for an elephant.

    • You are so fat that when you take a bath, you have to roll over three times to get all wet.

    • You are such a pig that everytime you visit McDonald's, they have to change the "Number of Hamburgers Sold" sign.

    • You are so fat that you're afraid of going to the beach for fear of getting harpooned.

    • You are so fat that you have to grease the doorways in your house to get around.

    • You are so fat that you are considered a permanent resident of three states.

    • There's bad news from Africa. They're killing your relatives for the ivory.

    • In my opinion, you're a "10." Unfortunately, you'd look more like a woman if you were a 36.

    • I knew a lady that was so fat, she was on both sides of the family tree.

    • That girl's so fat that she looks like a station wagon with both doors wide open.


    • You are so poor that when I visited your house and stepped on a cigarette, your mother asked "Who turned off the heater?"

    • You are so poor that you use Bubble Gum rappers for household air fresheners.

    • You family is so poor that when I went to your house and asked, "What's for dinner?", your mother said, "Look in the oven.", and then she pushed me in.

    • When I asked you what you were carrying a trash can for, you told me you were moving your house to a better neighborhood.


    • You are so stupid that when you finally see a commercial you're interested in, the Energizer-Bunny comes in.

    • You are so stupid that when I went to your house and asked for ice, you said that you forgot the recipe.

    • Is that your head, or did your neck develop a tumor?

    • You are so dirty that when you jump into the bathtub, the water jumps out.

    • You are so uncoordinated that you threw a rock at the ground and missed.

    • You are so stupid that when you went to the movies and it said, "Under 17 not admitted," you ran home and got 17 of your friends.

    • The only way you know how to "Bag" is paper or plastic.

One-Liners Blondes
Insults Questions
Religious Irish
Left Overs

Questions & Answers      Top of Page

  1. BODY PARTS -Name at least ten body parts that have only three letters:

  2. Arm, Ear, Eye, Egg, Fat, Gum, Hip, Jaw, Lap, Leg, Lid, Lip, Rib, Toe,


    • How many beer brewers does it take to screw in a lite bulb?
      1/3 less than it takes to screw in a regular bulb.

    • How do light bulbs know when they have an idea?

    • How many frat brothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      Answer: Five. One to hold the light bulb and the other 4 to drink until the room spins.

    • How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
      Answer: Who wants to know?

    • How many Americans does it take to screw in alight bulb?
      Answer: One, but 200 had to apply for the job.

    • How many Idahoans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      Answer: Five. One to screw in the light bulb, and 4 to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.

    • How many recently divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      Answer: None, the lights go with the house.

One-Liners Blondes
Insults Questions
Religious Irish
Left Overs

Religious      Top of Page


    There was a little old lady who lived in a small town and attended church every Sunday. She would approach the Pastor after each sermon and tell him, "You sure gave it to them today."

    The Pastor prayed for the lady and hoped there would come a day when she would realize that the message was also for her. The Pastor's prayer was answered when a severe storm swept over the small town and everyone stayed home except for the little old lady. The Pastor looked out from behind the pulpit curtain and saw the lady sitting all alone in the church. The Pastor preached that Sunday with all his strength hoping the little old lady would realize the message was for her.

    The little old lady approached the Pastor after his sermon as she had always done. She looked up at the Pastor and said, "Great sermon Pastor. If they had been here, you certainly would have given it to them today."


    God approached the nation of Samaria and offered them a list of Commandments.
    The Samarians replied, "What's a Commandment?"
    God answered, "Commandments are My Guidelines for your nation to prosper, such as 'Thou shalt not steal.'"
    The Samarians replied, "No thanks, that would ruin our economy."

    God then approached the nation of Babylon and offered them a list of Commandments.
    The Babylonians replied, "What's a Commandment?"
    God answered, "Commandments are My Guidelines for your nation to prosper, such as 'Thou shalt not commit adultery.'"
    The Babylonians replied, "No thanks, that goes against our social standards."

    God then approached the nation of the Jews and offered them a list of Commandments.
    The Jews replied, "What's a Commandment?"
    God answered, "Commandments are My Guidelines for your nation to prosper."
    The Jews replied, "How much do these Commandments cost?
    God answered, "Commandments are Free!"
    The Jews replied, "Great! We'll take ten of them."


    • I tried being an atheist, but I gave it up because there weren't any holidays.

    • My pastor asked me if I had ever given thought to the here-after. I told him I thought about it a lot. Every time I go out to the garage, I always wonder what I'm here after.

    • What do you get when you mix an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness? Answer: A person who knocks on your door for no reason at all.

    • What do you get when you mix an agnostic with a dyslexic? Answer: A person who sits around all day and contemplates, "Is there really a DOG?"

    • Question: What is the first sport mentioned in the Bible?
      Answer: Baseball. In the Beginning. (Big Inning)

    • Question: What is the second sport mentioned in the Bible?
      Answer: Tennis. Moses was in Pharaoah's court.

    • Question: How many cars are mentioned in the Bible?
      Answer: Three: Joshua's Triumph, God's Fury and Jesus told his apostles to be in Accord.

    • Question: Who was the shortest person mentioned in the Bible?
      Answer: Nehiamiah (Knee-high Amiah)

    • Question: Who was the wisest financial advisor in the Bible?
      Answer: Noah. He had all his stock floating while everyone else had theirs liquidated.


    • Have you heard that the Mormon Church has been doing scientific research with DNA to expand its evangelism? They have taken the DNA from one of the Prophets in the Temple and added it to the DNA of a complete atheist. The result is a person who will knock at your door for no reason at all.

    • A Mormon group of mentally challenged children were on a field trip. They stopped for lunch and served apples and the Diet Coke Tab. One girl stood up and began singing with a beautiful voice. The other children began to stand and sing with the same amazing voices. They are now doing shows all over the country and have the stage name of, "The Moron Tab And Apple Choir".


    • This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

    • Thursday at 5pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet the pastor in his study.

    • This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Brown to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

    • Ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

    • On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

    • Tonight's sermon: "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practicing.

One-Liners Blondes
Insults Questions
Religious Irish
Left Overs

Irish Jokes      Top of Page


    At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary societyĒ. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"


    Mr. Flannagan came to his wife one evening and announced he was going down to the Pub to share a few pints with his friends. Mrs. Flannagan replied, "Now don't be too late, my Darlin', I'd like to cuddle when you get home." Mr. Flannagan arrived at the Pub and was already well into his nightly drinking ritual when one of the fellows suggested they have a "Drinking Contest." Everyone at the Pub offered their toasts and then it was Mr. Flannagan's turn. He stood up proudly and said, "Here's to all the days of my life, that I've spent between the legs of my wife." There was a loud cheer from the entire Pub and Mr. Flannagan won the contest. As he arrived home and greeted his wife with great enthusiasm, he announced, "I Won The Toasting Contest!" Mrs. Flannagan asked, "What was your toast Mr. Flannagan ?" Mr. Flannagan caught with his embarassment hesitatingly replied, "Well Darlin', 'Here's to all the days of my life, that I've spent in church besides my wife.'" Mrs. Flannagan felt great pride and said, "Oh Mr. Flannagan, that is a fine toast. Now come to bed and let's cuddle." Mrs. Flannagan was walking through the Market Place the next day and one of the fellows who was at the Pub the night before came up to her and said, "Mrs. Flannagan, did you hear that your husband won the Toasting Contest last night?" Mrs. Flannagan replied, "Well Yes, I did, and I was surprised. He hasn't been there for years, and everytime he comes, I have to pull him by the ears."

One-Liners Blondes
Insults Questions
Religious Irish
Left Overs

Short Stories      Top of Page


    A small town wanted to attract tourists so they decided to construct statues of a nude man and lady in their central park. The tourist business picked up, but the local pigeons had made a mess of the statues after 20 years. One day the Good Statue Fairy came down and allowed the statues to be human for just one hour. They immediately jumped into the central park pond and washed off. Then a gleam came into their eyes and he said "Do you know what I've been wanting to do for the last 20 years?" They both ran off into the bushes and groans of pleasure soon were heard. When they emerged, she said "There's time to do it again," so they ran off to the bushes again. This time when they emerged, he said "If we hurry, we can do it just one more time." She agreed by saying "Okay, but this time you hold the pigeon down. I want to crap on its head."


    Once upon a time, a boss was travelling with his secretary and a blizzard made it necessary for them to check into a motel. There was only one room left, but fortunately, there were two beds. During the night, the secretary whispered to her boss that it was cold and asked if he would get her a blanket. The boss reasoned that because they were both mature adults, would it be alright with her if they pretended that they were married just for the night. The secretary bashfully agreed. The boss then said, "Now that we're married, get your own damn blanket!"


    The old farmer and his wife were sitting on their porch after celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. At long last the wife, her golden hair long since turned to silver, broke the peaceful silence with a question. "Have you ever been unfaithful to me?" "Once, dear, just once," quavered her husband. "And you?" "Just a minute," she said and disappeared into the house, returning with a shoebox containing six kernels of corn and twenty thousand dollars in cash. Her husband gaped at her. "What the hell does this mean?" "Every time I'm unfaithful to you, I put a kernel of corn in the box," she explained. "Well, what's the money for?" His wife said, "Every time I get a bushel, I sell it."


    A guy asks his wife, "Am I the only one you have ever been with?"
    She thinks for a moment and says, "Yes, you are the only one.
    All the others have been nines and tens..."


    Four doctors died and were asked at the gate why they thought they should be allowed into Heaven. The first doctor replied, "I helped discover the cure for polio." The angel agreed to let him in. The second doctor had established free medical programs for the poor and the angel let him in also. The third doctor had developed HMO plans and the angel said, " You may enter Heaven also, but only for four days."


    A lady brought her beloved dog to the doctor and asked what was wrong with it. The doctor told the lady that the dog had died. She demanded a second opinion. Another doctor examined the dog and also pronounced the dog dead. The lady demanded further testing so the doctors brought in a cat and placed it in front of the dog. The cat clawed at the head of the dog and then did the same to the rear of the dog. The doctors concluded that the dog was truly dead. The itemized bill for services was for $450. The lady was furious and demanded to know why it cost so much to have someone tell her that her dog was dead. The doctors explained: "$25 for the first doctor, $25 for the second doctor, and $400 for the Cat Scan."


    A Catholic priest heard from the other side of the curtain, "Father, I'm 79 years old and have been faithful to my wife all these years, but last night I made love to a pair of 18-year old twins. "The priest asked, "How long has it been since your last confession?" The man replied, "I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish." The Catholic priest asked, "Then, why are you here telling me this?" The man replied, "At my age, I'm telling everyone."

  8. Cinco de Mayo -

    Our hearts once again are broken due to the National Day of Remembrance.
    Our European ancestors who explored The New World were introduced to an ancient Indian tradition of mixing eggs into a creamy white sauce. This became very popular with the Europeans and trade to import this new tasty product became a high priority.
    One shipment was sailing back to Europe with the largest cargo of this sauce when all the ships sank.
    Even today, we mourn by celebrating "Sinko da Mayo" - The loss of all mayonnaise coming to Europe.

    Monty Little - I tell the story this way.
    The long anticipated shipment of Hellmannís Mayonnaise from England was headed to the port of Veracruz, Mexico aboard the newly christened luxury ocean liner the Titanic. Unfortunately disaster fell upon the ship on itís maiden voyage to North and South America. At approximately 11:50 p.m. on April 15th it collided with an iceberg 400 miles off the coast of Newfoundland, Canada. Although several attempts were made to reach the ship unfortunately it sank at 2:20 a.m. taking with it more than 1,500 people to the watery depths of the sea. When the citizens of Veracruz heard the news they were saddened to find that their Hellmannís Mayonnaise also went down with the ship, something they mourn to this day. And each year on May 5th, they gather at the water's edge and celebrate Sinko Da Mayo.
    One of my favorite jokes, but you only get to tell it once a year.

  9. Penis Replacement - Bryan Beardsley

    A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
    The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay. You'll walk again and everything. However, your penis was severed in the accident, and we couldn't find it."
    The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
    The man perks up.
    So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
    If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
    The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
    The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
    "Yes, I have," says the man.
    "And has she helped you make a decision?"
    "Yes" says the man.
    "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
    "We're getting granite counter tops."

  10. Sexual Abuse Allegation - Jim Howell

    Here's a sad example of the witch hunt caused by the flood of sexual abuse allegations.
    The son of a good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion.
    He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.
    What a waste of time, effort, training and money.
    He's still paying off his school loans.
    This just goes to show you, one minor mistake can ruin your life.
    Thoughts and prayers for him and his family.
    He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

  11. The Blind Man

    A nun is taking a bath and hears a knock at the door.
    She can't find a towel but runs to the door and says, "Who's there?"
    A voice says, "It's the blind man with a delivery..."
    She thinks for a moment, "No problem," and opens the door.
    The guy says, "Nice tits, where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

  12. Circus Couple Adopts A Child

    A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.
    The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
    The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
    "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.
    Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
    "Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
    The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
    "It doesn't really matter...... as long as the kid fits in the cannon.

  13. Catholic Horses

    A gambler was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
    He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
    Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
    Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
    The gambler made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.
    Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
    He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
    He bet big on it, and it won.
    As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.
    The gambler was elated.
    He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
    True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
    This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
    The gambler knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
    He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last.
    In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
    Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
    All day long you blessed horses and they all won.
    Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile.
    Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
    The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy, 'My Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants,
    You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

One-Liners Blondes
Insults Questions
Religious Irish
Left Overs

Social & Political      Top of Page


    • Did you hear that the charges against her were dropped to littering?

    • It's nice to see that they're back together, and there's no hard feelings between them.

    • There was another incident very similar to the Bobbitt's case. A wife tried to emasculate her husband but missed. She wasn't charged with malicious wounding, but released on a missed-da-wiener.


    • Did you hear that Jefferey Dahmer got out on bail. It cost him an arm and a leg though.

    • Now Jeffery's problems begin all over again, and he has to find another apartment; this time with a little more leg room.


    • Psychologists are now wondering if their abbreviation for overly-jealous males (OJ) is in bad taste.

    • OJ is contemplating marriage again. He wants to take another stab at it.

    • OJ's mother wants him home for Thanksgiving. She claims he is the only one in the family that can carve white meat.

One-Liners Blondes
Insults Questions
Religious Irish
Left Overs

Twisted Phrases      Top of Page


    A farmer was disappointed that his chickens were all losing their feathers. He summoned his sons, Ming and Hing, and challenged them to come up with a solution to the problem. Ming attended the University where he studied all there was to know about chickens. The other son, Hing, went to his relatives to ask their advice. After exhaustive study, both sons discovered that the problem could be remedied by applying gum tea on all the chickens. After weeks of trying their new remedy, the chickens had lost all their remaining feathers. The father was disappointed and came to the conclusion that, "All of Ming's courses, and all of Hing's kin, couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."


    A woman was preparing the table for a Christmas dinner. She had all kinds of oer'douevres and dips. Some of her guests began asking about the strange dish holding the Hollandaise sauce; it was an old hub cap. Her reply was: "There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.


    A man with no arms sought out a job as a bell ringer at a local church. At first the pastor doubts the man's ability to perform the duties, but the man assures the pastor that he can do it. They ascend to the belfry where the man demonstrates his bell-ringing ability by running and smashing his face into the bell. The pastor asks the man what would happen if he had to ring the bell several times such as on Sundays. The man proceeds to demonstrate by running back and forth and smashing his face into the bell several times until finally he gets dizzy and runs out the window and falls to his death below. By the time the pastor gets down into the courtyard, a crowd has gathered and someone asks, "Do you know who this man is?" The pastor replies, "I don't know the man, but his face sure rings a bell!
    The next day, the dead man's brother applies for the same job as bell-ringer. Once again the pastor hesitatingly leads the man up the belfry stairs where the same scenario takes place and the man fall to his death in the courtyard far below. The pastor once again descends the stairs and rushes out into the courtyard where the crowd asks him if he knew the man. The pastor replies, "No, I don't know this man either, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."


    Once upon a time there was a Hawaiian King who collected thrones from around the world. His wife complained one day about all the thrones in front of their grass hut, and asked the King to do something about it. He built a storage area for the thrones above their grass hut. That night, the thrones came crashing down on the king and his wife. The moral of the story is "People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."


    My friend Stan has a friend that owns a disco downtown. We went there the other night and none of us like disco very much, so we got up on stage and began playing our harmonicas. When we left, we forgot to take our harmonicas with us. I guess you could say, "We lost our harps in Stan's friend's disco."


    Once upon a time there was a school of immortal porpoises that lived forever by eating seagulls. One day, the seagulls decided to escape their carnivorous adversaries and fly away to a distant island. As they were descending out of the clouds, the natives had never seen anything come down out of the sky and believed them to be gods. The natives wanted to protect them, so they captured two very stately looking lions and placed them at each end of the island. The next day the porpoises discovered that the seagulls were missing so they searched until they found the island. As they looked over the coastline, they saw the gulls, the natives, and the lions. Just when they thought their hope for eternal life was over, the natives fell asleep. The lions also decided to take a nap, and the gulls fell asleep immediately afterwards. The porpoises decided to crawl across the beach on their flippers, grab the gulls in their mouths, and make their getaway. The plan was going well until one of their flippers snapped a twig and woke up everyone on the island. The natives yelled "Stop, you're breaking the law." Do you know what law the porpoises were breaking? ... Don't you know that it's against the law to transport gulls across stately lions for immortal porpoises?


    The calvary rode into an Indian camp one day and found that all the braves were out hunting. The calvary decided to slaughter the tribe anyway. They also mutulated the squaws by cutting off their breasts. We still remember this horrid act every year by celebrating the Indian-nipless 500.


    An Indian tribe voted to send a promising brave to the University for an education where he majored as an Electrical engineer. When he returned after graduating, the council decided that his first contribution would be to install electric lights on the outhouse to keep everyone from tripping in the dark. It was the first time an Indian was ever known to have "wired a head for a reservation."


    Did you hear that the Mormon Church is now conducting Genetic experiments to expand their ministry? They have combined the DNA from an atheist with the DNA from a devout Mormon. The result Is someone who knocks at your door for no reason at all.


    Did you hear about the group of retarded children sponsored by Diet Tab & The Apple Grower's Association. They tour all over the country and are known as the Moron Tab & Apple Choir.


    Did you hear about the guy who had to have his leg amputated at the ski resort. The physician read the chart backwards and ended up cutting off the wrong leg. After the man returned to the city and had his other leg amputated, he tried to sue the small-town physician for malpractice and couldn't do it. Do you know why? ... He didn't have a leg to stand on in court.


    Once upon a time there was very famous professor who toured the college circuit giving lectures. He couldn't keep up with all his appointments, so he came up with a way of cloning himself. The clone developed a bad habit of removing his clothes half way through each presentation and the professor decided to destroy his creation. He drove the clone up to a tall cliff and pushed him off. Just then, a policeman drove by and arrested the man on charges of "Making an obsene clone fall."


    Once upon a time, a Russian named Rudolph lived in the country with his wife. Rudolph looked out the window one morning and said, "Look, it's going to rain. His wife disagreed with him and said, "No, Dear. It's not going to rain. The two argued about the weather forecast for several minutes. Finally, Rudolph told his wife, "Look here, Rudolph, The Red, Knows Rain, Dear!


    A man applied for a bus driver position and was told that the route he would have was called the Sesame Seed route. As he drove his course, a very fat woman boarded and introduced herself as Patty. Another huge woman with the same name boarded next. At the next stop, a German woman with the name of Charice got on. The German lady began picking her toes, and the two fat ladies were so outraged that they caused the bus to crash. The police came and gave the bus driver a ticket for having: "Two all beef Pattys and letting Charice pick her bunyons on a sesame seed bus."


    When You Are Out With Your Friends,
    And Your Nose Gets All Runny,
    You May Think It's Funny,
    But It's SNOT.

One-Liners Blondes
Insults Questions
Religious Irish
Left Overs

Left Overs      Top of Page


    • The first sign of a computer's old age is loss of memory.

    • A computer virus is a terminal illness.
      Loving your computer is a terminal illness.
      Those who work with computers have terminal problems.

    • Create a programming language that allows users to program in English, and you will find that programmers can't write in English.

    • OS/2 is half an operating system.

    • The most common programming language is profanity.

    • Man holding a sign off ramp to Silicon Valley: "Will code for food."

  2. TOP 10 SURPRISES IN THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS (from "Late Night With David Letterman")

    • The secret recipe for Mrs. Fields cookies

    • The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not pay a lot for a muffler

    • It turns out Billy Joel did start the fire

    • The frequent use of the word "gnarly"

    • In the marginal decorations you can find Waldo

    • Book of Revelations originally ended with a high-speed car chase

    • Without getting too specific, Presbyterians are in a lot of trouble

    • Specifically states Maria gets to keep the engagement ring

    • St. Joseph was really ticklish

    • Loads of money-saving coupons

Top of Page

Share All Good Things! - Russ Howell -